tattooed on my mind

I had the energy to fix my online albums only today.  It’s an activity that was forgotten for a while.  People have noticed I refrained even from taking pictures now.  I also do not know exactly why.

I can only guess it’s because I learned to go through each experience with utmost enjoyment even without still souvenirs, because the main purpose of taking photos is to preserve the memories of each and every event, right? I may not remember each tiny detail in the future but I made sure I was THERE as it was happening.

I do not need too many pictures to make a memory complete.  This is in harmony with a very recent resolve to make each moment count, make each experience a reflection of a complete me.  I said goodbye to my days of wishing for things I do not have, do not experience.  Whether they will come or not, it’s fine.  Right now, as long as I enjoyed, or even simply felt good, about something, it’s bliss enough for me. I have to thank my existentialism reading materials for this.  I refuse to consider it a shift, a change, for I know I’ve always been like this, it’s just that my id, ego and super ego made drama their constant playmate.  I must admit, I enjoyed it for a while, but now, I will simply let the chips fall where there may.

ssssshhhh.

Everything I wanted to blog about tonight will go to my journal.  I decided on this 250 words into this entry.  Mixed feelings enveloped me this week and I really have lots to tell.  Writing them down would put my new orange gel pens into very good use, yun na lang siguro. At the end of each day, ako naman wala ng problem and just when finally natutunan ko na that not everything is about me, saka ko naman napansin na ganito lang pala yun. Naninibago ako pag wala akong hang-ups, kasi ang mga tao around me marami pa rin nun.  Anyway, unfortunately for my fellow drama queens, I’m not into it like before.  I will still be fangirl happy, still feel very accomplished, feel slightly disappointed, get pissed big time, but it will be easier for me to shrug them all off.  Trip trip lang, lahat naman yata tayo dumadaan sa point na we cannot comprehend if some people are still mad, if they wanted more space, chose to ignore you to make more people happy, or sadyang bastos lang talaga. Oh well. I just want my friend back and what’s happening does not give me an answer as to why I cannot.

It’s a long weekend for us! Grateful, grateful. I will use it very well. Go nerdy activities!

Plain Friday

At 5 am, I was composing a text message to my deputy about not being able to go to work today.  When I was about to send it, I woke up.

I was at work on time.  I was down one person so I stepped in.  I was about to go to the cafeteria when it turned 12. I bowed my head and woke up at 12:55.

The afternoon was equally uneventful. Busied myself with more cases and preparations for the workshop next week. RFM and I polished the program details for the wedding we’re hosting on Monday.

Oh, too much Michael Jackson talk. Farrah Fawcett, too. RIP. Let us allow them to really rest in peace. I sure hope people will zip it in a few days.

Found myself in Midtown with RFM and LC to watch Transformers 2, armed with crates of junk food.

Transformers 2 has more metal clashing against metal scenes so it was better in that sense than the first.  It was not astounding but I felt so happy before the movie started, like a little girl about to see her favorite Disney princess live. Something like that. 

I enjoyed it more because I was not alone which meant I did not have time to nap. FYI, it was an involuntary action when I watch movies alone. Not for too long though, only about 5 minutes max.  I really do not know why.

In a nutshell, I still love Ironhide and Bumblebee, it’s too bad the “female” Autobots died, Fallen and Megatron were still ugly, Megatron’s voice was sexy though (because it was Hugo freaking Weaver!),  the aged Decepticon (with a cane pa, parang si House lang ) was amusing, the ascendants of the Autobots were offensively skinny, and it’s so cool to see Optimus Prime with some parts of a Decepticon.  I would love to have for a bodyguard the original Optimus Prime look though.

We girls had great laughs over lines in the movie which one of us can definitely use in the office.

Was home early with a pounding headache. Despite that minor glitch, today, Friday has been okay. Have a great weekend, humans.

one slice.

Thursday, June 24.    For the past ten days, I have managed to observe real austerity measures.  I did not linger in Midtown to eat or have coffee while I read (which I always did to escape rush hour), I took cheaper forms of transportation, even walked short distances to save my fare allowance, I did not eat anything worth more than 100 pesos for lunch.  It was a very promising change in my lifestyle.

One of the downsides is I threw my crappy weight loss plans away because going straight home  after work would have me eating homecooked meals, and we all know, they’re the shiznit.

One other roadblock is relapse.  Sadly, it hit me yesterday, although still in moderation.  Today, I can shamelessly admit that I burned all the money I saved in the past days.  I ate out, I bought…stuff,  and purchased more items.

I figured I’ll shape up when I already have more tangible “responsibilities”.  As long as I’m only responsible for my own confused self, it’s fine, I guess. I refuse to be stressed by this “late-twenties sphere” anymore.  I’m off to enjoy all these yuppie bullshit for women slackers, including my sexuality (let’s talk about this later). Care to join me?

IMHO: Friendship > Romance, at least on TV

In my fangirl profile, friendship trumps romance all the time.

Lisa Edelstein (Lisa Cuddy), Robert Sean Leonard (James Wilson) and Hugh Laurie (Gregory House) during the INSIDE HOUSE event at The Paley Center For Media in Los Angeles on June 17, 2009.

Still from the Paley event. One of many funny comments came from Robert, who plays the Head of the Oncology Department in PPTH, when he said, "I confess to not reading the entire thing before sitting down (for the weekly table read). When it's not cancer (the diagnosis) I have a short week."

Many past entries were testaments to how I favor House and Cuddy but give me House, Cuddy and Wilson in one frame and I’ll be happier.  I love them three together.  The friendship ha, I’m not implying I’d love a threesome. 

I have too many things to say since I thought of this entry this morning.  However, as usual, the words are so garbled in my head (sa sobrang dami, with examples of House scenes pa yun from seasons 1 to 5 to illustrate my points more vividly) so I might as well do away with typing them down.  The bottomline of everything is how I love the dynamic of House, Cuddy and Wilson, perhaps the three most damaged characters in PPTH.  

I think I’ve always been fascinated with TV friendship more than TV romance; it’s such a good feeling watching, in one scene, trading banters, all six Friends, the earlier staff of Cage & Fish* [Ally McBeal], the women of Wisteria Lane [Desperate Housewives], Danny Tripp and Matt Albie [Studio 60], Denny Crane, Alan Shore and Shirley Schmidt [Boston Legal],  Miranda, Charlotte, Samantha and Carrie [SATC], Leonard, Sheldon, Penny, Wolowitz and Raj (although he cannot talk when Penny’s around) [The Big Bang Theory], and even the whole community of Stars Hollow [Gilmore Girls]!

Of course there are more examples of friendships on TV (my abrupt liking for the people of Seattle Grace, for one).  You get my drift, right? At best, pwede na sa akin ang “friends with sexual tension”, which is why contrary to most House/Cuddy fans, I was NOT disappointed when their s*x scene turned out to be a hallucination. It seems not everyone can see how MORE meaningful it was that it’s inside House’s subconscious! Anyway, yeah,  tama na yun.

I am not sure if I believe the same (’friendship trumps romance’) in relation to my real life knowing how much of my life is devoted to TV anyway.  Sometimes I cannot – and refuse to – tell the difference! Hahaha! Escapism yata ito. A very nice one at that, in my opinion. 

Though you know what, maybe I do because I once was struck by a line from Andrew Sullivan, as told to Chuck Palahniuk: I think a relationship can be the most intense form of being alone if you’re not careful…(F)riendship is what really resolves and mitigates loneliness while not compromising the self in the way that love does, romantic love does.

For now let me go back to my fangirl mode. Happy weekend!

* Ally McBeal is so last century but one TV conversation I cannot forget is between Richard Fish and John Cage when the people in their law firm were fighting. This is not verbatim but Richard asked John, “What are the five reasons why we put up this firm again?” John answered, “Money. Money. Friends. Money. Money.” Richard sadly asked back, “Yeah. What happened to the third?” Believe me, I was touched

Credit for the images above goes to Lissie.

Mortality at Forty

What’s with all the heightened fuss on turning 40 among all other years in a person’s life?

I know many people who view forty as a new beginning, something to look forward to, a stage of liberation. I share the same sentiment.

Anyway, I mentioned it because my favorite Hugh Laurie once made a pact with his friends to kill themselves when they reach 40.  It didn’t happen of course and he in fact recently inched to being 50 years old last week!

One friend used to say he would die when he’s forty until he (metaphorically) hit his head on a pavement and changed in a creepy, ‘It’s like I don’t even know you anymore (in a hallucination Amber Volakis voice)‘ way.

Then last Sunday, I was reading Notes From The Underground by Fyodor Dostoyevsky and the unknown protagonist mused, “I am forty years old now, and you know forty years is a whole lifetime; you know it is extreme old age. To live longer than forty years is bad manners, is vulgar, immoral. Who does live beyond forty? Answer that, sincerely and honestly I will tell you who do: fools and worthless fellows.”

I still don’t know what’s with forty.  Nevertheless I am not cynical about it.  I still get scandalized by how fast time flies but turning forty doesn’t make me think of gloomy things.  If my fantasy blueprint would come to life, when I hit 40, I would be practicing law, my husband and I are still crazy about each other, our first-born is 8 years old, his sister is 4 and our youngest boy just turned a year old. What’s not to like?

Who else saw this coming?

I have been rearranging my online priorities since last Thursday.  I was still online for most of the time, I just decided to reconnect with other people and fix other “semi-abandoned” sites I used to be very actively part of.  My Yahoo! account overhaul took a huge chunk of my time, too.  I terminated my fearless_bounce account after it was hacked (and “restored” for a while after changing its password) but not before tedious migration of files, messages, and other stuff related to it, like e-group materials and more importantly, my paid Flickr account.  I know I could retain the username and really, what are the chances of the hacker lightning striking twice? However, I felt I needed a change and this step is a good start. Naks, still, such drama!

I also worked a bit on my multiply and livejournal blogs.  I still visit them everyday but only to view friends’ updates.  I still don’t have my “dream” layouts for both of them but I’m loving the simplicity, plus there are fixed and identifiable friends from each sites where interaction is much more assured (in here, I have an average of 120 unique visits per day but only one comments regularly – hello, Raft3r!).  My drama queen self treats this as part of my “look back, reconnect” mode which has been poking me gently for two weeks now.

Speaking of blog layouts, I obviously changed this blog skin AGAIN.  It’s one of the tendencies when you have limited capability to alter your layouts.  If only for this setback I am very much tempted to go back to blogspot.  (Ugh, don’t give me an idea, you!).

By the way, here are my current multiply and livejournal layouts (click the image if you want to go to the site).  I’m fairly satisfied with them. If you have your own account in either or both of them, you can add me. Accepting your invite will be subject to my strict approval, of course (hahaha, snooty! But don’t worry, I’m easy naman).

There. You missed me, don’t you? Anyway, my Drag Me To Hell recap may still continue. Ta-ta for now!

Kaladkarin Mo Ako Sa Impyerno

Sa wakas, napanood ko na rin ang Drag Me To Hell.  Sanay ako manood ng sine mag-isa pero pag horror, marunong din naman akong magbaba ng pride para humanap ng kasama.  E sino pa ba ang pinakamadaling yayain kundi ang Portia to my Ellen (or vice versa), si LC.  Ginamit ko ang “pag nag-umpisa na ang MA classes mo di na tayo madalas makakalabas” card kaya ayun, di sya nag-dalawang isip.

BABALA! Wag basahin kung nakakaintindi ka ng Tagalog (well, Taglish) at gusto mong maging spoiler-free sa napakagandang pelikulang ito. Ahahahaha…

Ganito kasi yun. Noong 1969 sa Pasadena, may mag-asawang pumunta sa isang manggagamot slash exorcist…ewan kung accurate yun (inaayos ko pa kasi yung popcorn, hotdog sandwich at lemonade ko). Yung anak daw nila may naririnig na boses. Pilit silang pinaamin kung may ginawa yung bata until ayun, ito palang pilyong bata ay kinuha yung bling bling ng isang gypsy. Binabalik naman daw nila pero ayaw na tanggapin. Pumasok sila sa loob ng bahay at nung tinatangkang ayusin na ang gusot na ito, ayun umatake na ang demonyo, hahaha…basta nahulog yung bata sa first floor tapos tumayong halos unscathed kahit lumagpak sya sa sahig na marmol (marami pang ganito sa pelikula, yung hindi sila haggard kahit halos nagka-delubyo na).  Before the parents and the shaman can do anything else, nilamon na ng sahig yung bata with matching apoy apoy pa. Fade to the nakakagulat graphic na pinuno yung buong screen (so much for a huge font huh?) ng title ng pelikula.

Present day, nasa daan then nasa nasa loob na ng isang loan office ang eksena kung nasaan andun at nagtatrabaho na yung bata sa Mystic River.  Gusto nya ma-fill yung Assistant Manager position pero kalaban nya yung epal na loan officer din na si Stu na kamukha ni Kuya Kim. Lunch time, pinakilala din ang boyfriend nyang si Mac guy.  Psych prof sya na mahilig mangulekta ng old coins; in fact, binigyan sya ni Sarah Paulson-look-a-like (yung bida, or B) ng isang lumang coin na napulot nya sa office, na nilagay naman ni Mac guy sa isang puting envelope (may relevance ito later).  Bago sya umalis, tumawag yung nanay ni Mac guy at engot na naka-speaker phone pa sila mag-usap kaya narinig ni B na ayaw sa kanya kasi sya ay simpleng farm town girl lang (parang yung sa Facebook).

Back at the office, nagpahaging ang boss na hindi sya kasi masyadong assertive tulad ni Kuya Kim kaya dehado sya sa laban for Asst. Manager.  Enter the creepy lola (CL) na nag-aask ng loan extension kasi kukunin na ng bank ang kanyang digs.  Hindi na pwede kasi nakadalawang extension na pala siya, OA na kung may pangatlo pa.  B saw this as an opportunity to assert herself in declining the loan, kasi ang tunay na sya eh very compassionate.  Bago tuluyang umalis, nag-last ditch effort si CL at lumuhod sa harap ni B; a minor chaos ensued at napahiya si CL kasi nakatingin na lahat ng tao at on standby na din yung guards.  Sabi nya, “I begged yet you shamed me!”   Hala, nagtransform na sya into a vindictive lola (VL)!

(to be continued)