Lately, the very idea of looking at the calendar, the last month of 2011 to be exact, gives me intense sadness. Nothing can stop time from going on and on. What hurts is when you know you did everything you had to do (not ‘what you CAN DO’ because at some point you have to tell yourself to stop even if there’s more to give and to do) and that’s the end of it. Fin. Nada mas.
I always tell myself what else could be worse than the very basic premise of it all– not feeling the same way towards you? Nothing. Nothing else. Everything else is either a lame excuse or a desperate justification. I knew that from the get-go. I just wallow in them because, well, there’s not much to do and it makes a good topic of conversation over girly dinners.
When British actor Hugh Laurie won an acting award for playing an American doctor on TV, he said he wasn’t thankful for having that acting job, but rather, at the chance, at the opportunity, to do that job. I have always kept that at the back of my head. What I’m arriving at here is the tiny ray of hope to be given a chance. To present my case, so to speak. I feel I kind of did but I’m not yet done. Then again, when is enough enough? More importantly, if I’m to be reciprocated, I didn’t have to do much.
I’m thankful for a colorful and busy life that enables me to rise above it all when I think of that thing I’ve always wanted is about to go far far away. My hands are still full — overwhelmingly so — but there are moments when I think of it and I graciously allow myself to be sad. I even cry. A lot. It is pathetic to act tough when it’s not true. I guess the fact that I have accepted that this is a lost cause, that this is a no-win situation, makes my dilemma less threatening.
Months or years down the line I’d probably laugh at all this. Indeed, when I’m old and gray, I will regret the things I didn’t do more than the ones I did. So the monthly gestures, the little notes, they will count as nothing in my regret box. I was happy when I did them and I didn’t give a damn, and that’s more important. And I know they were appreciated.
For now though, I will not pretend that it’s peachy and fine because it’s not. It happened to me again and this time towards that one person whom I will blindly follow to the ends of the earth when he asks me to. Kaya lang wala talaga e. C’est la vie. Buti na lang I’m still awesome so that’s a huge consolation. Hahaha! Hay Steve, as I said in my past ramblings, until you try you’ll never know; it’s such a waste you stopped taking chances. 
